(( I know the song is about a growing in a relationship, but for me, it’s more than that. Its about…growing yourself. ))
During my depressive times, it’s really hard for me to get out of the bed and to clean up my room. I ended up being a “messy” person. Almost all of my friends that had visit my house, knows that my room is a total chaos. But no one noticed that it’s because I’m sick, I’m depressed. No one could understand. I always locked myself in my room, all the family members is too busy with their own world. I ended up having ‘too much’ private space, that it makes me drown in my own world, suffering things all by myself. Not finding any comfort in my lonely journey that people called, life. I always feel lonely, but when someone wants to be in my life, it makes me feels sick. I’m afraid of people abandoning me, though it’s just in my mind. I do have bestfriends, but as soon as they leave or just not in contact with me, the loneliness starts to begin. It happens everytime. I’m just so tired of myself, tired of thinking and feeling this way because I don’t know what to do and how to fix myself. People said it’s only you that fix yourself, but how do I fix myself if I don’t know what’s wrong with me?
But nowadays, that messy behavior of me isn’t as worst as before. It’s still there, but I can control it now little by little. The only thing I haven’t fixed yet is my clothes. LOL. Clothes are always a fun thing for me but they also my big enemy because I always messed them up. Now my room is tidy and clean. I added some things like wall decoration and some “motivation wall” in my room, so they could make me feel better since I spent almost 24/7 being in my room.
Either way, I don’t think I should live my life like I used to. I shouldn’t worry too much about how things will go on or what people thought about me. Life is a scary yet wonderful journey, I think. There are days when I extremely feels like I’m giving up, but there are days too where I feel like I could live for a thousand years. For now, I think I should focus on finding myself and start a real process of healing. I never did a truly healing process before. Because I worried about things too much. And I also think that I should change that worry behavior too, it’s just making my life worse. I should live as myself and let things flow. Let life bring me where it wants to. Right now I’m probably thinking of making my life a fun and exciting thing to do. Because, at least now I’m not where I was. I used to be in a worst condition, but now I’m so much better and I should keep moving to a better version of me.
I want to live my life as happy as I could, doing what I like and what I want to, not because someone told me to. I want to be free from all the things that locking me up like I’m in a prison. Myself should never be a prison for me, it should be a Garden of Eden. Because if it’s not me that loving myself, who could? I know it’s not going to be as easy as it said, but at least I can say that I tried. I will start loving myself little by little, accepting me as I am, and knowing that my mistakes doesn’t define me as who I am. We’re human. We make mistakes. As long as we know that we are wrong, that we made mistakes and we want to fix it, we’re still human. We all deserves a second or many more chance in this life, and we deserve to live our best life. It’s based on you, you, you and you. It’s yourself that matters for you and you should make yourself your number one priority.
Adios.
